Drummers |
Bass Players |
Guitarists | Keyboardists |
Harmonica Players |
Singers | Blues
Musicians |
Light Bulb Jokes |
Miscellaneous | How to Sing The
Blues | Band Advice to Club
Patrons |
--------------------------------------------------------------------
There seem to be more jokes about
drummers than any other musicians. They're sort of the
accordians of the business. I really don't know why it
should be so, some of my best jokes friends are
drummers, but here goes...
How do you tell when the drummer's platform stand is
level?
The drool runs out equally from both sides of his mouth.
Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
They never know when to come in.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
You ask him to play 4/4 at a constant 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
What do you call someone who's always hanging around
musicians?
A drummer.
What do you call a drummer at a school of music?
A visitor.
Recently a bass player left his keys in the car.
It took two hours to get the drummer out of there.
In music school the professor asks the drummer: "Can you
please tell us the sub dominant of F major".
After a few minutes of off-put silence the drummer
replies: "No, you can't fool me: F major is already the
sub dominant!"
Says the bass player to the drummer: "Can't you play a
little more dynamic!"
Says the drummer: "I'm already playing a loud as I can."
Back
to top
Now to alienate the other 50% of the
rhythm section...
How can you tell when a bass player is knocking at your
door?
It gets slower.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, we're just too cool for that kind of shit.
Back
to top
Guitarists
What's the traditional greeting between
guitarists?
"Hi, I'm better than you!"
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend??
Homeless!
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him sheet music.
How do you get two guitar players to play in unison?
Shoot one.
What is a guitarist?
Someone who likes to get attention, but can't sing.
Back
to top
Keyboardists
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
What do you yell down the mine shaft before dropping the
piano down?
See sharp or be flat!
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Back to top
Harmonica Players
Why do dogs howl when harmonica players
play?
They're trying to tell them how the song goes.
What do you call a harmonica player's accompanist?
Fido
What do the best harmonica players have in common?
They all suck -- except when they blow.
What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all
over the singer's lines?
Deceased.
What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
Thank God.
How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it
should be in straight or cross position.
What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows
what notes he's playing?
Liar.
Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
So you won't think they play a "harmonica."
Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to
death with a harmonica.
What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
Dearly departed.
What do you get if you cross a Blues
Harp player with an orangutan?
A retarded Orangutan.
Back
to top
Singers
Why do singers never say anything bad
about musicians?
Because they're too busy talking about themselves.
What is the difference between a singer and a grand
piano?
About a semitone.
How many lead singers do you need to change a light
bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen who drink
until the room is spinning around.
How many female singers do you need to change a light
bulb?
Two. One to hold the coke, and one who persuades one of
her suitors to screw in the bulb.
Back
to top
Blues Musicians
What's the inscription on a dead
blues-singers tombstones?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.
What happens when you play the blues backwards?
Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life
and you get out of prison.
How do you make $1 million with a blues band?
Start with $2 million.
What does a bluesman do who wins $1 million?
He goes on playing until the money's gone.
Back
to top
Light Bulb Jokes
How many members of U2 does it take to
change a light bulb?
One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe
revolves around his ass.
How many guitarists do you need to change a light bulb?
100. One who screws it in, and 99 who say "I could have
done that, too".
How does Richie Blackmore screw in a light bulb?
He holds it to the socket and the rest is done by the
fact that the world is spinning around him.
How many clarinetists do you need to change a light
bulb?
One, but he needs a whole suitcase of bulbs until he
finds the right one.
How many lead singers do you need to change a light
bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen who dink
until the room is spinning around.
How many bass players do you need to change a light
bulb?
None. They let the keyboarder do this with his left
hand.
How many female singers do you need to change a light
bulb?
Two. One to hold the coke, and one who persuades one of
her suitors to screw in the bulb.
How many drummers do you need to change a light bulb?
One. But he breaks ten bulbs before he realizes that you
can't just push them in.
How many blues singers do you need to change a light
bulb?
Three. One who screws, and two who sing the blues over
the broken one.
How many punk rockers do you need to change a light
bulb?
Two. One who screws, and one who smashes the old one on
his forehead.
How many stage hands do you need to change a light bulb?
One, two... One, two...
How many producers do you need to change a light bulb?
"Hmmm... I don't know... What do you think?"
How many altos do you need to change a light bulb?
None, they can't get that high anyway.
How many blues musicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. blues musicians can't afford light bulbs.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.
Back
to top
Miscellaneous
Jerry Garcia arrives in the afterlife
and finds Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, etc
waiting for him in a top-notch studio.
"Wow", he says, "Heaven's gonna be great!" Jimi says,
"Heaven?"
Just then Karen Carpenter walks in and says "Break's
over, let's do 'Close to You' again, from the top."
There was once a medical student
specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in
his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit his
school's path lab following his classes to do extra
work.
One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork
plugging his rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only
to hear, "Everyday, everyday I have the Blues, everyday
everyday I have the blues...." Startled, he replaced the
cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he once
again removed the cork. Again he hear the same tune
"Everyday, everyday I have the Blues...."
He could stand it no more. He replaced the cork, covered
the cadaver and raced upstairs to the Professor's
office. He persuaded the man to accompany him back to
the lab. Once there, the student again uncovered the
cadaver and displayed the corked rectum. The Professor
looked unfazed. When the student removed the cork the
same tune emanated, "Everyday, everyday I have the
Blues...." The Professor looked bored and started to
walk away. The student was aghast at this casual
response. He said to the professor, "Don't you find this
amazing?"
The Professor replied, "Not really, any asshole can sing
the Blues."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a blues musician and a
savings bond?
A savings bond eventually matures and starts earning
money.
Back
to top
How to Sing the
Blues - A Primer
1. Most Blues begin with:
"Woke up this morning...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin
the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next
line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in
town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes....sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes I got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she
weighs 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in
a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars:
Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down trucks.
Blues don't drive in Volvos, BMW's, or Sport Utility
Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a
southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a
major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't
fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis."
7. Blues can take place in New York City but
not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St.Louis and Kansas City are still
the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the
Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the
Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking
your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking you leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it
is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a
shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the
parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
Highway
Jailhouse
Empty bed
Bottom of a whisky glass
Bad places for the Blues:
Nordstrom's
Gallery openings
Ivy League institutions
Golf courses
11. No on will believe it's the Blues if you
wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person
and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have 410K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a
matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues.
Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up
on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and you darlin' give
you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable beverages
are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a
shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back
by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are
the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on
a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mamma
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber,
Jennifer, Debbie and Heather can't sing the Blues no
matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,
etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you
own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
Back
to top
Band Advice to Club
Patrons
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with
the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a
song when all members are singing at the same time (such
as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced
that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt
wall of sound blasting all round us, musicians are
expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to
your question or comment during a tune, take this very
personally. Singers have the ability to sprout a second
mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time; if the
singer doesn't, it's because they are purposely ignoring
you; if this happens, immediately cop an attitude, we
love this. When an entertainer leans over to hear you
better, grab his or her head and yell directly into
their ear, holding their head so they cannot pull away
from you, this is an invitation to a friendly game of
tug of war between their head and your hands. Disregard
any respect for the musician's hearing.
REQUESTS
Musicians are expert mind readers. Only
refer to your requests with the phrase "play my song"!
We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited
database with the favorite tunes of every patron who
ever walked into the bar, so feel free to be vague, we
love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what
tune you want, it's an intentional ploy to offend you.
Remember, entertainers live to be offensive; we stay up
all night thinking up ways to do this; we also never get
enough abuse so any abuse that you add will keep us in
line.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to
hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they
are lying to you. Try singing a few words for the band;
if one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest
of the band will instantly learn the entire song by
osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not
know "your song" just keep requesting the same song ad
nauseum. Never try to request another tune the band
actually knows. Scream your request from across the room
several times per set followed by the phrases "AW COME
ON!" and "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures
expressing disapproval from the
dance floor are a big help such as the "thumbs down" or
your middle finger. Put downs are the best way to jog a
band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status
of "Personal Friend Of The Band".
If your choice of music is a complete departure from
what the crowd loves (and cannot get enough of), ignore
this. The band will try to resist playing your vastly
superior selection; never mind that the crowd would
instantly vanish for the remainder of the night if your
request is layed. Simply put a lot of money into the tip
jar to bolster your argument; this will circumvent any
lack of knowledge they have about your requested tune.
The more money you tip the band with, the more power you
have to dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use
your money to bully the band. Entertainers are notorious
fakers and never prepare for shows, they simply walk on
stage with no prior thought to what they will do once
they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a
monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook. The
band and club's income does not depend upon numbers of
people patronizing the bar, screw them, your request is
all that matters. If a metal band had played at the club
for the last few weeks, the next band that follows will
automatically know every metal tune the previous band
played, even if the current band is a blues or country
band. It's the law. Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!!
to a band that plays strictly originals or blues for
example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful
Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a
musician in a garage band or singer in a Karaoke bar, be
sure to let them know that you can run rings around them
and they need you in their band. In fact the sole reason
the band has not exploded onto the charts is because
they do not have you as their "big break". Forget that
you have no experience on stage or in a recording
studio, or that you have no idea what a quarter note or
a downbeat is, such things are inconsequential. Tell the
band unequivocally that your mere presence as a member
of their band will save them from the depths of
mediocrity and assure them of success beyond their
wildest dreams. This works every time. If the band
continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform
with them, stand on the dance floor and perform with
every tune they do. Do everything you can to be louder
than the band, if they won't let you perform with them,
be disruptive. Nothing asserts your superiority like an
out of tune harmonica, vocalist or a tambourine played
out of tempo. For extra credit, use these instruments in
tunes that do not have them in the original recording;
musicians love to play cover tunes with instruments that
do not belong there; they will overlook how badly you
play and will wonder how they have gotten along all
these years without you. BONUS TIP: As a last resort,
wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage
and start playing their instruments; even if you are
86ed, you have made your point. The band will call you
immediately the following day to offer you a position.
Back
to top
